I’d like to see something more. Something different. Hear about something more. Read about it. I’d like to experience something else that being so conscious about death all the time.

But it seems that I receive a specific feedback from life. Or maybe I forgot how it’s like to see something besides that. Maybe I went crazy about this. It seems like an idee fixe, really.

If you see death everywhere it just kills everything else. What’s the point of doing anything? You’re constantly giving up or trying to do something before it’s too late. It’s a constant fight. What’s the point of fighting for yourself if you can’t forget about this? Who’d like to live like that? You feel joy and suddenly you’re losing it. How can you stay happy when there’s so much grief everywhere? It’s all meaningless. But the worst thing is when…

…

You look at the people you love and you think when it’s going to end and you’ll be left alone again. It hurts. It’s an incredible pain. So sometimes you’re doing stupid things to push them away because you don’t want to watch. Other times… Other times it’s just pain besides love. Strange mix.

I’d like to think that I’m insane. That would explain everything. “You’re not right - you’re just sick”.

I don’t know if it has a reason. Maybe it happens when you’ll face death. Maybe it just happened to me. I just guess that not everybody… not everybody… - see? I can’t even write it! So maybe something easier to say: I guess that not everybody tried to kill themselves.

It would be much better if I’d see something then. God. Dead people. White tunnel. But I’ve seen nothing. Just darkness…